Thursday, March 24, 2011

an opening farewell...a new appreciation for a lot of things

A few weeks ago my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, and despite the good prognosis, the experience of helping her to overcome this has been exhausting. Lets just say its a journey, one that has allowed my mom to start preparing my brother and I for the eventual inevitable, even if it could very well be another 30 years away. We have been talking a great deal already, rehashing old stuff, celebrating life and saying our peace. Sometimes there has been nothing left in the stack of experiences, sometimes there is something as big as an elephant hanging out there for what seems to be this awkwardly long period of time. The rules have changed, however, and anything that is left out to hang is dealt with, no repression allowed.

As a parent I see myself sometimes regretting decisions or even second guessing the past. I think every parent goes through that. Your hope is that your children know that you did your best and that they don't ever resent you. I know what my mom went through in my life and I know that her decisions were based on what was needed at that moment. There was never a moment in my adult life where I resented anything my mom ever did regarding my upbringing. Still, convincing her of that has been difficult and has required some difficult conversations and waterworks.

I spent the week on an emotional roller-coaster. My mom is doing well despite some of the touch and go health stuff that occurred with her surgery. I am so spent, ready to crumble into a ball, torn that I am here in NY and she is in Boston. This is hard despite the expert care she is getting.

I had this insightful conversation with my friend Steve today about relationships. I am amazed at how much a person's eyes and facial expressions can reveal. This was one of those discussions where silence and facial expressions were almost more important and spoke volumes. I was so glad that I was broken enough to be able to key in to it. It made me realize just how incredibly intricate relationships are. Cancer touches everyone, period! For the first time in my life this fact totally hit home as those unspoken words slowly became spoken because the heartache would have most certainly produced uncontrollable tears.

On my way home, as I drove through areas that I have spent on my bike, I wanted nothing more than to be on my bike training for the PMC, and I am trying to figure out how to somehow accomplish this in August. I have tried every year for the past 3 to pull this off. This year is different. I have always appreciated the cause but I now have this new appreciation for Dana Farber and what they do for people. Even if I don't do this please, please, please...I encourage you to donate to the cause. The team I have linked to is the one I would ride on. Please support them.

More later...I am exhausted.

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