My young childhood consisted of a neighborhood of boys (and a few girls) who bullied me endlessly. Despite eventually learning how to stick up for myself, and to be more assertive, I never did really learn how to let things roll. I take things to heart all the time and its starting to ANNOY me but I am not sure how to change this.
I have once again opened my mouth, just trying to make sure things were fair and have alienated a great deal of people. When did my soul decide that I had to be the one to proclaim the rules in the village that is raising my child? I need these people yet I find it really difficult to follow the mantra "sometimes the best thing to say is nothing".
On my way home from upstate today I stopped to add to my road-trip feature that I will be releasing this week on the Ledger. I was on the campus of my alma-matter, New Paltz. I went to the view the exhibitions that i tried to see Tuesday. While I was looking at the "Illustrious Mr. X" I came across one of my favorite Goya self portraits, The Sleep of Reason Brings Forth Monsters. I sat there drinking in that print for a good long while. Here a sleeping Goya is haunted by demons of the night, taunting him with the means for him to work. I decided I was wallowing in guilt. I was being haunted by the demon calling for fair play and sometimes while I struggle to make sure that this voice is heard it backfires and I become the adversary. I have decided that I actually think I need help dealing with my own insecurities, but that is a story for my private files.
I thought about this for a bit, history is deemed to repeat itself. It happens personally. It happens locally. It happens globally. It happens. I am starting to wonder if it is because we allow the status quo to exist even when we are proclaiming that we want to change it? Are we too tired, scared, or something other?
My son won the overall event this weekend. It was bittersweet. While trying to make sure that what he skated was a fair competition for all this morning I again found myself on the gallows. I know what I said and I know other people heard it the way I said it, but there is always that one that hears it wrong and things escalate...Am I destined to be a drama queen forever?
I am an intense person but I have a soft voice. Many times when I raise it just to be audible it comes across as anger. Maybe I just need voice coaching?
I feel horrible, beating myself up all because I wanted the rules to be followed. I hear Dave's voice in my head, telling me to lighten up because people hate that... I only have one question about the rules, and I am not being sarcastic or aggressive, I am being sincere. If we claim that they are often changed and made up as we go along and that is really bothersome because it lessens accountability, then why is it so horrible to request that they be followed?
A towne crier was the one that was asked to proclaim the mandates of the courts...my soul seems to have deemed me to that position in my son's village...I wish I could be the one that turns my head to look the other way, just once!
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